Kelvin Grove lift celebrates five months of being “out of order” 

A beloved Kelvin Grove campus lift reached an impressive milestone today of five months of being out of operation, with no sign of returning to working order any time soon.  

The lift in question is located at the bottom of Kelvin Grove campus and works in partnership with another lift, to bring travellers from the bus station up to the library and into the main campus. 

Students first noticed the lift was broken late last year, after a temporary fence was erected around the site.  

The last few months have seen a steady stream of workmen attending the site most days of the working week. Of course, not if it’s raining, too hot, looks overcast or when the wind picks up. 

Affectionally named by some students as “the infinite incline”, the adjacent staircase has never seen so much action and is starting to show visible wear on its 81 steps from the hordes of university and high school students trekking up it every day. 

Sport and Exercise Science student Brock said he actually didn’t notice the lift was broken because he always takes the stairs.  

“I love that staircase. Walking up those steps to class every morning, wakes me up and gives me the energy boost I need to perform my best. I don’t even drink coffee anymore, the natural dopamine and endorphins released are more than enough to keep me pepped up for the day.” 

While many students have no problem taking the stairs, there have been several distressing incidents of students passing out due to dehydration, leg cramps or altitude sickness.  

Second year Psychology student Marina was found collapsed mid-way up the stairs by a group of third year nursing students. 

“I was running late for a tute and the queue for the lift was massive. So, I tried taking the stairs. I must have blacked out at some point; I just remember being woken up by someone in navy.”  

“I have a broken foot; I can’t easily access the stairs like other people right now. KG campus is already really hard to navigate, and this has just added an extra obstacle I have to deal with every day. 

“And now I have to live with the embarrassment of being the girl who passed out on the stairs. The Stalkerspace memes have been brutal.” 

A spokesperson from QUT said the lift should be up and running again soon. When pushed to provide a timeframe, they were only able to respond with “sometime in the next four to 32 weeks”. 

*This is satire* 

Celeste Muller
Celeste Muller

Celeste (she/her) is a Meanjin/Brisbane based writer and Editor at Glass Media. She has a Bachelor's degree in Design (Interior Design) and is currently studying Journalism and Economics at QUT.

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