the fallacy of the invisible string theory
by Zoe Hyde
“Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.”
This statement, spoken by Cathy in Emily Bronte’s Wuthering Heights, signifies a love that transcends into obsession—a shared identity almost. The love affair between Cathy and Heathcliff is dramatically tragic, beautifully sad. There’s a reason this classic story has been adapted into modern film eight times.
There’s a reason why Taylor Swift, who most often writes and sings about heartbreak and relationship breakdowns, was one of the most-streamed artists globally on Spotify for 2023 and 2024. Why yearning is seen as being ‘so back’—evident with surging ratings for TV shows like Heated Rivalry, The Summer I Turned Pretty, and Bridgerton. It’s because at its core, beyond fame and fiction, the tales outlined between these characters and choruses are messages we can relate to.
Within context, and of course taking this with nuance, I believe we cannot choose who we obtain romantic feelings for—particularly the romantic feelings that are disguised as ‘destined’ or ‘alchemy’ with an enchanting and all-consuming chemistry. These are feelings that over time may blend into an addiction for a person, a merged identity, or ultimately, a destructive bond.
I have written in the past about the ‘romantic heroism’ kind of love (read it here!) where there is romantic attachment to someone you know is unhealthy. Outwardly, there are high highs and the lowest of lows, but what about those bonds that don’t seem obviously as treacherous? What about when there is genuine fun, shared humour, interests, and where there is chemistry? Does chemistry equate to compatibility?
Chemistry may be described as effortlessly remembering the steps of an old timeless dance with someone. It is more than a sync, more than a pull: it is a magnetism drawing each other together, which goes beyond fact or logic. It’s an attunement to the others presence. Talking with smiles, whispering with gazes, it is quiet, it is unspoken.
Chemistry is not only reserved for romance, but it also exists in our friendships, families, even with strangers we may encounter in the street. The olde trustful Urban Dictionary describes chemistry as “a mixture of physical attraction, emotional compatibility, and unexplainable ‘spark’ that makes a relationship feel special, natural, and effortless.” It simply cannot be forced, predicted, or planned. It simply just is.
I can count on one hand the number of times in my life I have felt this level of romantic intensity with someone. As with girlfriends and platonic friends, I have been much more fortunate and count myself so lucky to have met and still to this day have some of the best “soul mate” friends in the world with whom I have had practically instant chemistry with.
Alas, while chemistry is an aspect essential to a romantic relationship, it is easy to get carried away with chemistry and use it as a compass to signal compatibility in a relationship— whether that be platonic or romantic. But compatibility is lifestyle, it is shared values, goals, it is mutual respect. Compatibility is functional, circumstantial, and ultimately foundational.
We’re so often told chemistry and compatibility are linked, and while for some situations that may be the case, chemistry does not guarantee compatibility. As chemistry is essentially the emotional connection, and with it holding such intensity, chemistry can very swiftly monopolise judgement, reason, priorities, and cause us to delude ourselves and blur our own lines.
Chemistry may equate to seemingly a blend of dispositions, but it may be completely impractical, it may even be senseless. Chemistry may be living on other sides of the world. It could be of competing priorities: travel vs. marriage vs. kids. vs. dogs. vs. wanting to live near his mother for the rest of his life! Chemistry may be renewing an unspoken vow year after year with someone, just fundamentally knowing that it will work, you will be together, despite the impracticalities. You don’t know how, but you just know. You have to believe it.
This kind of thinking, the false security and deception that chemistry may carry, can clearly result in deep emotional distress—emotional immolation. We ask ourselves year after year, how can you share such an intrinsic bond with someone, for it just not to be right? For it not to work. With time, we come to learn that the relationship may be apparently meaningful without being at all sustainable.
We’re so conditioned when we’re young to have a romanticised view of romantic love, and that one day, there will be ‘The One’ or ‘Our Person’ who just makes it all make sense. A soul mate. This kind of language leads us to accept and look past not only unhealthy or concerning issues in the relationship when we think we have stumbled across the right person but also causes us to ignore literal barriers such as distance, fundamental difference in values, and legitimate lifestyle factors. This is because we accept suboptimal relationships because they are dressed up by chemistry to feel as if they are our fate.
Furthermore, I think the fallacy of people believing in the invisible string theory may be why ‘situationships’ are occurring for two out of five Australians, primarily those in the Gen Z age bracket. Situationships can surpass long periods of time for a multitude of reasons: avoidance behaviour, commitment fears, timelines, geographical location. But a big reason that keeps them extended, is often due to the high emotional intensity that situationships entail. Chemistry can blind all of our rhyme and reason for what is actually sustainable for a happy life.
In this world we are all in pursuit of connection, of feeling seen, understood, and hoping we find companionship; someone to bear witness to our lives essentially, even if we may deny it. To deny such a basic human quality, we can attempt, but the evidence will appear regardless. Chemistry is important; however, it is not the standalone pillar for a healthy, compatible relationship—despite emotion’s gravitational pull convincing us otherwise.
So, I certainly don’t have the answers as I also travel with trepidation. What I can confidently say is, there is ultimately no golden ticket to a perfect relationship, friends or romantic, etc. Humans are complex. Life is long. People make mistakes. People can be capable of growth and change. It gets easier as we get older to sense when people are good for us, when a conversation is enriching, when our time is well spent.
However, chemistry will appear at different moments in life, and while it’s surprising, encapsulating, unexpected, and a pleasant reminder that we are human, don’t mistake it for longevity. As my favourite and most eloquently psychologist has said, “chemistry does not mean compatibility.” It may be loving someone, but knowing you need to leave them, despite the magnetism.
