By Teagan Rowe
We all know the scene. The one in Love Actually where Emma Thompson’s character figures out that her husband (Alan Rickman) has been cheating on her.
She opens the present he’d given her, hoping to find the gold necklace she’d seen him buy. Instead, she finds a CD.
It’s such a widely known and loved scene, not only because it showcases society’s idea of “female failure”, but it’s also a situation that many women have lived through before.
Growing up, we’ve been told that you go to school, get a job, fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after.
Realistically the story is more like: grow up, get married and become disappointed. According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, 30% of women ultimately are disappointed—time and time again—by a man that is not essential to their life.
Dee Salmine, host of “The Hook Up” on Triple J podcasts and author of “It’s Not Love, Actually”, opens her book with this very scene.
The self-proclaimed feminist and anxious/avoidant attachment style dater heavily connects with this scene.
As a woman who has found herself in unhealthy relationships and repeatedly disappointed by men, Salmin uncovers how societal expectations, parental upbringing, self-worth, and attachment styles continue to impact the ongoing and widely spread “dating epidemic”.
In this inspiring and enlightening memoir/manifesto, Salmin teaches readers how to recenter themselves and decenter men, eliminating the internalized misogyny we all hold because of dated views on women in society.
These pre-historic views on women partly come from the stories we grew up with. Fairytales about princesses constantly needing to be saved were the norm, as were parental dynamics that placed Dad as the sole breadwinner—this is the case in most families because of the gender pay gap, which is ultimately instituted by men.
Salmin delves into her twenties, talking about being single and exploring who she was as a person stating that “being single is the best thing that will happen to you”.
While living day in and day out alone seems daunting and incredibly lonely, Salmin introduces you to a world where dependency is non-existent and the limits are endless.
Without breaking up with her boyfriend, Salmin would never have been able to travel and live overseas with her best friend, just a year out of high school.
Establishing who you are as a person, alongside your values and interests, is the only true way to begin dating on a healthier level, according to Salmin.
This eye-opening and easy read is the ultimate guide for women, especially those in their twenties about to take on the dating world.
The novel teaches you how to be completely true to yourself and understand your own worth.
Salmin gives you a better understanding of how you should be loved and what you definitely should not put up with!
She allows readers to learn from her own dating mistakes in such an honest and hilarious way.
“It’s Not Love, Actually” does not blame men for the “dating epidemic”. Instead, it challenges societal norms and individual standards surrounding relationships.
Salmin asks the reader to reflect on themselves and their environment, to alter their mindset, and become content within themselves.
Many reviews name this book “the bible”, and after reading it, I feel no different! It’s an absolute must-read for women, or anyone in their twenties.
