I did say yes- at first. But ten minutes later, I lay there frozen, tears slipping down my face as he kept going.
“In that moment, I hated him so fucking much.” The words stared back at me from an old diary entry. Years later, flipping through those pages, I still feel sick to my stomach.
“I just cannot believe he treated me like that after he said he loves me.”
Because it didn’t look like the stereotypical “stranger in a dark alley” assault, I’d convinced myself it wasn’t real. Many people who have experienced grey-zone sexual assault minimise their trauma, believing it isn’t “bad enough” to count (Nolan, 2019).
But the reality is, that most sexual assaults don’t happen in dark alleys. The Australian Institute of Health and Welfare found that in 2022, three in four sexual assaults recorded by police were committed by someone the victim knew. Someone they trusted.
The “grey zone” of sexual assault refers to intimate experiences that may not fit the traditional definition of nonconsensual sex but still lack clear, enthusiastic, and mutual consent (Nolan, 2019). Consent must be absolute 100%. If it didn’t feel right, it wasn’t right. These experiences often leave people feeling uncomfortable, powerless, or unsure about what happened, potentially leading to psychological consequences such as depression, post-traumatic stress symptoms, low self-esteem, anxiety, shame, and fear (Snead & Babcock, 2019).
Countless women have stories like this, moments when their minds said no but their mouths didn’t. When afterwards, they didn’t run or scream but just… felt numb. It’s heartbreakingly common yet rarely discussed. These stories need to be shared and validated. Because when we don’t talk about them, people are left questioning themselves: “Was it my fault for not stopping him?” “Was what happened to me bad enough to matter?” But the truth is, those thoughts don’t change what happened. Grey zone sexual assault is sexual assault. Unclear consent is not consent. That is recognised under Queensland law.
Consent is defined in Section 348 of the Criminal Code Act 1899 as a free, voluntary, informed, and mutual agreement that is ongoing and capable of being withdrawn at any time. Consent is not assumed, present when someone lacks capacity, agreed to when there is force, silence or a lack of resistance, or a one-way transaction. Acts without consent are deemed sexual assault under Section 352.
For anyone reading right now and potentially starting to realise the gravity of your situation, please know you are not alone, and your experience is completely valid.
So why is labelling it as sexual assault so difficult for most people?
Many factors contribute to this reluctance, including self-doubt (often fuelled by rape myths), guilt about making an accusation, and fear of not being believed (O’Shea et al., 2024). Rape myths- such as the idea that sexual assault must fit a specific, violent narrative lead people to question whether their experience was “bad enough” to count. When an assault doesn’t match these stereotypes, it becomes easier to minimise and harder to speak up. Social narratives and the media often normalise grey zone behaviours, making it even harder to recognise them as violations.
This is why validation and open conversations matter. When we challenge rape myths and broaden society’s understanding of consent, people no longer have to question their reality. Instead of feeling silenced or dismissed, they can feel seen, heard, and supported.
By redefining how we talk about sexual assault- both in daily life and in media- we create a world where consent is clear, boundaries are respected, and no one is left wondering if what happened to them counts. It does. And you are not alone.
Sexual Assault Helpline: 1800 010 120
Sources:
Nolan, H. (2019). The grey area of negative sexual experiences. Raab Writing Fellows Program https://raabwritingfellows.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/NolanZine.pdf
O’Shea, B., Feicht, R., Brown, M., & Numer, M. (2024). Rethinking sexual violence labels: exploring the impact of ‘victim’ and ‘survivor’ discourse. European Journal of Psychotraumatology, 15(1). https://doi.org/10.1080/20008066.2023.2296329
Snead, A., Babcock, J. (2020). Differential Predictors of Intimate Partner Sexual Coercion Verus Physical Assault Perpetration. The journal of sexual aggression. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6897505/#:~:text=Goetz%20and%20Shackelford%20(2006)%20found,at%20least%20one%20instance%20of
