Sex; a short yet influential word. We hear about it all the time —from the media, our friends, and even raunchy conversations accidentally overheard at cafes. Amidst all that exposure, some individuals are choosing celibacy.
Celibacy, or the voluntary avoidance of sexual acts, has been on the rise. Traditionally, celibacy refers to individuals who abstain from sexual interactions or marriage for religious purposes, but nowadays, individuals are choosing to abstain from sex for a myriad of reasons.
In an article by Psychology Today, Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute, Dr. Justin Lehmiller says celibacy is gaining popularity among young adults, especially women.
But why?
As an abstainer myself, I have decided to put my two cents in and offer some insight into why abstinence is gaining traction.
P.S. This isn’t to disparage or discourage anyone from sex; it’s simply a reflection on my experiences with abstinence.
Dating burnout
I find myself standing in front of the fridge often, cool air escaping as I take in the ingredients, trying to decide what’s for dinner. I could make lasagna, or chicken rice, maybe pasta. The endless potential of ingredients always leaves me stumped; choices can be overwhelming.
To me, modern dating is reminiscent of my fridge. With limitless access to our phones and the internet, we are exposed to so many different types of people. Of course, dating apps play a massive role in this ‘overexposure’. Quantity does not always mean quality.
If you didn’t have a Tinder or Hinge horror story, I bet someone you know does. From mediocre sex, ghosting, and dead-end conversations, it’s no wonder people are burning out from online dating. I mean, just because it’s gotten more accessible, doesn’t mean it’s gotten easier.
I’ve dabbled in my fair share of dating apps and let me say, it is exhausting to be constantly disappointed. It is a pain to look at repetitive hinge prompts (If I see one more: ‘Craziest thing you’ve ever done: get on this app haha’, I might start leaving dents in the wall with my head.) I digress.
While it may not be the defining factor of why I’ve chosen celibacy, it’s definitely not making a case against it.
Self-improvement
I know I’m starting to sound bitter but hear me out.
Three years ago, I decided to de-centre relationships/sex and focus on myself, and I’m happier for it. I can’t speak on behalf of anyone, but between university, work, and my social life, I only have so many hours in my day I can spare. Sex is the least of my worries.
As an organisation freak, I schedule every part of my day. From the time I wake up, the transportation time, classes – you get it. Abstinence has been a game changer for me because it prevents any external interferences with my day. I don’t need to concern myself with things I can’t control. In some ways, abstinence has helped me ‘lock in’ to my own life.
I once heard that romance is the death of a woman’s aspirations. While I disagree with that, I am inclined to believe that meaningless sexual encounters are certainly the death of mine.
Risks & Overthinking
Let me preface this by saying – I am an anxious girl. I think enough for two people, and I absolutely make mountains out of molehills. While sex is great, I don’t love the anxiety that comes with it – namely, that sinking pit in my stomach when my period is late. It’s always been an overreaction, I mean, condoms are 98% effective, but it always left me wondering if I was that unlucky 2%.
While it may be an overreaction for me, it could be a dangerous reality for others, especially in places where abortion and contraceptives are hard to come by. You might think I’m overreacting (I probably am) but remember that contraceptives aren’t 100% effective. Condoms are only 98% effective if you use them perfectly, if not, it’s closer to 87%.
Celibacy can be a daunting and often isolating experience but just know that it’s okay to steer clear of sex and what comes with it. At the end of the day, you are the one in control of your body. I understand that sexual fomo is a thing, especially when it seems like all your friends are doing it. However, always remember, there is nothing wrong with choosing celibacy, just as there is nothing wrong with having an active sex life.
