By Lillian Curthoys
The 21st century is hallmarked by an abundance of communication options. Call, text, email, Instagram post, DM, bank transfer if you’re desperate. It’s also hallmarked by continuously trending labels for simple phenomena (think girl dinner, quiet quitting, clean girl makeup, etc). The expanses of technology and social media facilitate our human desire for community and connection, but when it comes to telling people how we feel, we bump into something strange.
‘What’s Going On?’ by Marvin Gaye, despite being written in 1971, really nails the state of modern interpersonal communication. Oversaturation has enabled hypersensitivity to real communication. All of a sudden, we’re finding ourselves incapable of saying what we want, feeling coached away from explaining how we feel, leaving conversations with words still in our throats. Charli XCX said it best. Girl, So Confusing.
It’s hard to feel like there’s any certainty in how we interact with others, and it’s equally hard to feel empowered to state what we need from them. There is such an avoidance of stating needs that most people go through life frustrated, unfulfilled and downtrodden.
The enduring nature of questioning, not understanding, internalising and getting frustrated is a testament to people’s avoidance of going out on a metaphorical limb. Whether that limb is being rejected, or looking stupid or desperate, we are experts at avoiding it.
It goes without saying that ‘limb avoidance’ applies ubiquitously. Asking someone to move their bag so you can sit on the bus is engaging with the same principle as telling a server that you are allergic to peanuts. So why do we have so much trouble if the need relates to advocating for ourself? My running theory is that we attach power and meaning to the ones that we associate with our ego. It’s not high-minded to ask for a glass of water, but you’re a bit forward, nay, open to judgement, if you ask, “so what are we?” on the third date.
The trouble comes from not wanting to feel vulnerable, and I get it. Rather than feel like I’m a codependent, half-functioning adult who outsources her stability to others, I’d rather just suffer. Rather than look like an overly enthusiastic, desperate loser, I’d rather play it cool and still not get what I want. It’s an ignoble cause and achieves very little—the undercurrent to avoidance isn’t logic. The panacea is, like most things, baby steps.
Rather than building a tough exterior and becoming impervious to all setbacks, consider that communication is a tool and self-advocacy is a muscle. The best relationships, whether platonic, familial, or romantic, are built on telling people how you feel. Tell the people you love that you love them, tell people when you’re overwhelmed, or tired, or hungry. Have the foresight to communicate before shit happens and the grace to recognise where you could’ve communicated better.
It’s like a coworker of mine once said, “Clarity is kindness. If you’re being unclear, you’re being unkind.” Think about it.
If you are purposely evading questions, bread-crumbing information to fulfil your wish of feeling transcendentally understood, saying things are fine when they aren’t, you’re being a really unkind person. Wilful or not, misdirection helps nobody, and the bigger conversation you have to have is with yourself, and why you can’t just say how you feel.
Every conversation is a dance between text and subtext, but if someone is coming to you with clear signals and you’re off doing the Macarena, it’s hard to feel like you’re in it to dance to the same tune. And isn’t that the point, after all?
Telling people how you feel avoids a whole lot of trouble down the line. It avoids:
· The blowouts associated with constant self-repression
· Feeling misunderstood and isolated
· Missed opportunities to connect
Would my 4kg cat ever miss an opportunity to demand food from the uncaring, immovable, and rigorously timed food dispenser? No. So, why should you abandon your needs if she persists with a literal zero percent chance of success?
I’ve come a long way from thinking that nonchalance is cool. I’ve also come a long way with my ability to communicate with the people around me. It’s not easy, but I’ve taken the baby steps and created a structure that works for me. It came down to a basic equation:
Suffer and not get what I want, OR suffer and get what I want
Only one of them results in getting what I want.
This is what awaits self-advocacy and honesty—life beyond egotistical walls. It’s not an easy exercise, but it’s a habit that can be built and maintained on the understanding that it’s worth it. It’s a future of earnest, authentic connection. It’s a life buoyed by self-respect and confidence.
It’s a pop era with songs like “Girl, I’m Glad I Told You How I Feel” and “Don’t Tell Me What’s Going On, I Already Know”.
This article was featured in the 2026 Respect Week edition of Glass Magazine.
