I am a mother fucking wizard.

By Anonymous

I am a mother fucking wizard. Did you know that? I thought not. My power is literally beyond human comprehension. To give you just a taste, I can control frogs with my brain.

Like many of my other abilities, it just developed from circumstances relevant to the properties of the ability. For example, I was out on my three am stroll. I (shirtless) found a nice puddle to lie down in for a bit and float. 

As I floated, a number of irritating flying insects, such as mosquitos began to land on my exposed chest areas above the waterline. Irritated at this, but not sufficiently irritated (I have dealt with worse), my mind naturally wandered to some of the most common predators of these flying insects.  

I suppose it was a combination of the environment I was in, and the frogs croaking in the distance that made me think of frogs. I then though about how convenient it would be if a frog would come and eat all these insects bothering me.  
 
And then, I shit you not, out of thin fucking air, a mother fucking frog leaped right onto my chest, and started plucking flies out of the air like he was Barry the anti-aircraft man from the Battle of Britain.  

I glanced up at the frog on my chest, and thanked him kindly. “Preciate it, mate! How did you know that was what I was after?” 

“Ah, no worries mate. I could just tell,” the frog responded. 

“Is there anything else you can tell?” I asked.  

“Of course, the national self-loathing agenda is being retailed beyond our education system. Woolworths, Big W and Aldi have stopped selling Australia Day merchandise following in the virtue signalling footsteps of Kmart last year. It is up to every Australian whether they choose to celebrate Australia Day or not. But that decision should not be made for us by elite out of touch CEOs,” replied the frog.  

It was at this point I realised the frog was, in actual fact, Peter Craig Dutton, Federal Member for the Dickson Electorate and Leader of the Opposition.  

Where was I? Anyhow, I summoned forth a legion of actual frogs that proceeded to lick all of Peter Dutton’s hair off.  

He’s still mostly bald to this day. 

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