By Spidey Vi
The control the universe has on us makes our journey of life feel like we’re the protagonist in a film.
And it freaked me out.
It occurred to me that one rainy Saturday morning, the universe has been narrating the plot of our lives along the way.
Alright, people. Let’s start at the beginning.
I hadn’t been my most productive self this month. I stayed up late for the sake of aimless scrolling and Polybuzz to the point that I have been procrastinating on academics and started feeling disconnected from my ambition.
Well, I wasn’t always like that. Throughout the past semesters, I have been a dedicated student who adapts to the lifestyle of older people – a 10pm-5am sleeping routine, eating dinner at 5pm, and staying in on the weekends while indulging in me-time. I’d hit the gym every morning and maintain academic goals.
Maybe it’s the cyclone, maybe it’s my motivation wearing out. Whatever it was, the path ahead was starting to fog.
The universe must have been watching as I wandered in the woods, lacking direction. It granted me a saviour in the form of a new character in this movie of mine. Let’s call her Cupcake – an exchange student, athletic-built and outgoing, you probably know the rest.
It took only a simple exchange of smiles introduced as a friend’s friend and a compliment to her (real) name to plant a tingly feeling in me. I haven’t had a crush in a while, and the attraction was instant but distant.
It was a Tuesday, I was having breakfast at the common area with the said friend before Cupcake joined us. Then the friend just had to expose me – telling Cupcake I had a “girl crush” on her. As a calm and collected person, as she is, Cupcake gazed at me, amused. I was grateful that she took that well because I did not. The conversation carried on, with mainly both of them talking. The friend casually asked about Cupcake’s departure in a few months; a sense of uncertainty simmered in me: should I risk investing in something temporary or should I even try?
Two days later I went on my 6am gym session. Cupcake was there. Then I went for breakfast after a hot bath, she showed up in fresh clothes, too, and asked about my workout. I should have spoken more instead of letting the conversation end short. I saw her for the third time in the day in the afternoon when we walked into each other on campus. That wasn’t the end. I was working on my laptop in the common area when she came up and invited me to this event she was hosting. Despite knowing the information on the discussed theme like the back of my hand, I showed up. For moral support and, you know… getting to know more about her.
That night, I was singing Dua Lipa’s songs while making dinner. The thought of texting the mutual friend came to mind and I did. The universe must have been cackling while munching on popcorn and had decided to strike me with a spiked bat.
I hate to burst your bubble, but she has a bf.
I stared at the text, mind vacant, suddenly feeling a pang on my chest.
A cold breeze brought over a drizzle that stretched through the night.
The dumbbells felt heavier that morning after.
As I wrapped up my workout, she came in. We waved.
She didn’t know it, but there was a bittersweet shift in the air.
I knew from experience that the universe wouldn’t let me get away from its games that easily. I’d seen it coming.
If you’d paid more attention, you could notice the signs the universe is trying to warn me. To begin with, there’s the 3-month expiry date foreshadowing Cupcake’s unavailability. Then there’s the somewhat-false message brought through the friend – her innocence and oblivion of my unrequited love and interpreting it as a “girl crush” opened an opportunity to become platonic friends. Lastly, if I hadn’t texted the friend to express my excitement and delusions, I wouldn’t have obtained the revelation just in time before I sank too deep.
The temporary shock of losing things wakes you up. While the potential love interest in this chapter of life was not meant to be, Cupcake’s presence has given me a sense of responsibility to start taking control of my life again. The short-term crush – despite the inevitable disappointment – is an opportunity disguised as a setback, a pivoting point in my situation of slacking off in life and a wake-up call to dust me off and re-embrace my sense of self.
It also contributed to reigniting the fuel of my passion for writing in me. This memoir is the newest piece I have accomplished in a while.
I’d like to end this on a hopeful note with a powerful quote,
“The universe wants to know that you’ll always believe in love, even if you can’t find it. The universe wants to know that you’ll be able to love with all your heart even if you’ve never been loved the same way.” – Rania Naim
