*This poem was originally published in our Summer 2024 print edition*
By Jemma Green
when radiohead said ‘i wanna have control
i want a perfect body’
i was like,
‘that’s me, for real’
especially the first part
there is this need, a hunger under the flap
of my stomach, deep-deep
and unfathomably retching
inside me, to control
it is a violence
of my character, normally pleasant
enough to smile awkwardly
at bus drivers and baristas, that makes me want
to hold you down by the shoulders
chalkboard my nails along your skeletons
and make you listen
to me
i have imagined hurting
you, dusting your wasteful
bodies, stomping on their fragility
spitting
on your residue
left in the print at the bottom of my boot
i have forbidden
you from doing what you want because it draws
too much attention
and i want people not to
look at me
and because i am embarrassed
by any possible humanity
i have played a game of teenage chess with your lives
on how they will slot against mine
but i don’t know how to play chess
so instead, i have ruined
everything i have ever let touch me
because of this inevitability, rigidity
of control
and i can’t stop ruining
because i can’t give up, i can’t let go
i can’t stop playing
i can’t let go
i want to fit in
i want to watch, and not be watched
i want to touch, and not be touched
when everything goes wrong, i want everyone to fuck off and leave me curling into my knees against my bedroom door where i can’t breathe and where no one will find me
so, yeah
when radiohead said ‘i wanna have control
i want a perfect body’
i thought that was totally relatable
it’s so #mecore
Jemma Green is an emerging writer and editor based in Meanjin/Brisbane with publications in Forget Me Not Press and FROCKET. She is currently studying a BFA in Creative Writing at QUT and works fluidly between poetry, fiction, and creative non-fiction with an artistic focus on exploring the blur of human experience.
