ArticlesOpinion

A Straight Man’s Guide to the Perfect Tinder Profile

By February 18, 2022 March 8th, 2022 No Comments

***profiles below based on real people***

***unfortunately***

Hint: you don’t reel in women by having a photo with a fish.

The tips in this guide should go without saying, however, almost every straight man on Tinder continues to ignore the unspoken criteria of what makes a decent human.

The Bio:

  1. If you feel the urge to write your height followed by ‘if that matters’ – please don’t. Some girls may prefer men who are taller than them but honestly, it’s not as big an issue as you may think. Just like the size of other things, most women are not overly fussed. It’s truly just a dick-swinging contest between yourselves. Function over size always.
  2. Include your pronouns. It signifies respect of other people’s identities and queer women will feel more comfortable knowing you will not assume gender or sexuality just from photos. HOWEVER, if you do this purely to enhance your chances and you’re not committed to doing the work of an ally for the LGBTQIA+ community, we’ll figure it out very quickly.
  3. In the same realm, include and learn about the Indigenous land you are living on. Here is a link to the map of Australia’s Traditional Custodians.
  4. Write something short and sweet, introducing yourself in a nonsexual way. Women don’t want to hear jokes about your dick, especially ones you’ve copied from the internet.
  5. If you are specifically looking for a relationship, make reference to it in your bio in a casual way.
  6. You’re looking for a person, not your weekly groceries, so please don’t put up a shopping list describing what kind of woman you are looking for. The following is an example from a profile I was blessed with (I wonder whether you can guess which way I swiped):

‘Looking for someone to get along with, must be into fitness, be driven, fun, confident, and actually wants to meet up. Also, must be low to medium maintenance, I’ve dealt with enough psycho women for one life *laugh emoji*’

And if you mention the phrase ‘bonus points’, I hope you know that we are the ones judging you not the other way around.

  1. It’s best to include as many talking points in your profile that Tinder will allow that are still quick and easy to read such as, your age, work/study, education, and interests. So maybe you’ll be able to text something other than ‘hey’ because as most women are very aware, y’all are not a fan of that but seem to expect a response back when you do it.
  2. Try to write a cute/funny line – even if it’s objectively not that funny, we’ll still appreciate the effort and the fact that you haven’t used the age old one liners that are filled with sexual innuendos and immediately make us feel uncomfortable.

The Photos:

  1. I hate that I have to say this but under ABSOLUTELY NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you include any photos of dead fish in your profile. It doesn’t show you’re adventurous, it is not cool, and there is no cute outfit to wear when fishing. Just please don’t.
  2. Same goes with photos of your car. You have a finite number of photos to upload, why are you including one that is not you? Would you like to see a photo of my worm farms or high heel collection? No? Well, that’s how I feel about seeing a photo of your car.  All it says is “when we’re talking in person and I hear a car engine pass, I will immediately stop listening to what you’re saying and watch that car until I can no longer hear it anymore and not think that is rude in any way”. Also, it just screams that you never outgrew the little boy phase of wondering how wheels go round and are somehow still fascinated by that magic (can you tell my ex was into cars??)
  3. If all your photos are group photos, I don’t know who you are. I don’t want to do a puzzle. Your profile shouldn’t feel like I’m playing Where’s Wally?. Your first photo should be you (no sunglasses, hats, and I’m going to say it again, ABSOLUTELY NO FISH). Also have at least two group photos to break it up in between.
  4. If you want a girl to instantly swipe on you, include a photo of your dog with the bonus of an instant talking point. Nothing is cuter than dogs (and guys by proximity who happen to be in the photo).

To sum up, men please stop with the fish photos. And to the girls, gays, and, theys I highly recommend moving over to Bumble or Hinge. Don’t get me wrong, there’s the occasional man with a fish, but they’re fewer and further between.

Ella Brumm

Ella Brumm

Ella is a Brisbane based writer and editor of GLASS Magazine. She is currently studying a Bachelor of Law (Honours) and Justice at QUT.

Leave a Reply