By Anonymous
A number of my colleagues have been feeling down lately. When I asked them about it, they told me of a phenomenon called ‘Cozzie Livs’, shorthand for ‘The Cost of Living Crisis’.
They pointed to a number on their phones, and explained to me that this number is the reason they could not put avocado on their toast this morning.
As a magical wizard, I had been unfamiliar with this cost of living crisis. When I want avocado on my toast, I simply manifest it into existence.
In search of answers, I decided to start at the top of the Australian financial system with Reserve Bank of Australia Governor Michele Bullock.
I offered her an executive leadership position at Optus in exchange for a one-on-one session, in which she would fully explain to me the Cause of Cozzie.
The resulting six hours were a bizarre egg salad sandwich of words like ‘Interest Rates’, ‘Non-accelerating Inflation Rate of Unemployment’, and ‘Supply and Demand curves’.
She concluded the meeting by offering me her copy of The Wealth of Nations by Adam Smith.
I concluded that her entire explanation was an elaborate subterfuge.
After I imprisoned her for a relative 1000 years in my Ethereal Tesseract of Torment, she finally revealed the truth: the core interaction in the modern financial network is not computers making API calls, but the discourse of billions of tiny, invisible, magical goblins.
The ‘dollars’ you see on your ‘banking apps’ are a measure of how much favour you hold with these invisible goblins. Purchasing goods and services expends this favour.
When an individual claims to be a ‘millionaire’ or ‘billionaire’, what they actually mean is that they hold tremendous favour with the goblins.
And thus, for those looking to garner favour with the goblins (often referred to as ‘getting money’), I can now offer the following pieces of advice:
- The goblins enjoy affectionate rubs on their little bellies.
- They appreciate baked goods, such as lemon slices.
- They are most receptive to you when you refer to them by name. There is a 33.33% chance they will be named Jenny.
