I recently got into the subject of modern day dating with some of my friends, many of whom are tired of the so called ‘dating app’ experience. The idea that there’s a whole platform of people who could be your future person and your perfect match could just be a swipe away. Talking with both my male and female friends, the experience often results in a very different outcome: disappointment. Whether that’s being ghosted, led on or just being lied to, the online dating landscape predominantly creates an ideological fantasy in which these apps operate as a virtual marketplace, selling yourself to other people and vice versa. So, why do people keep returning to this dystopian dating landscape?
Well, let’s face it modern day dating isn’t the same Hollywood glamour romance experience as it once was. Meeting a love interest from organic, in-person interaction is no longer the norm, nowadays romance develops through swiping and texting strangers until you find someone, kind of, compatible. I think dating apps have created a hyper-connected yet paradoxically isolated digital age in which, beneath their glossy interfaces and promises of love, lies a dystopian reality that raises serious concerns about how we perceive relationships and ourselves.
I have a question for the Glassies…
If Sam has 71 Hinge matches, 36 Bumble matches and 123 Tinder matches, how many matches does Sam have?
The answer is too many people, it’s way too many! Let me explain…
My first problem with dating apps is the commodification of human interactions. Your love interest is reduced to a series of images and witty taglines, encouraging users to swipe based on superficial judgments, and not interpersonal interactions which develop deeper understanding. Dating apps adopt a transactional approach reducing complex individuals to mere products in a marketplace, where the emphasis is on appearance rather than substance. For example: You might find someone who ticks all your boxes, but you discard them because they use an Android, and someone who is an Apple loyalist could be one swipe away. The inherent superficiality present on dating apps fosters a culture where potential partners are swiftly discarded for minor imperfections, perpetuating unrealistic standards and fostering insecurity, giving the illusion of choice.
Dating apps thrive on their addictive nature. The constant stream of potential matches triggers serotonin releases in the brain, like the effects of gambling. This design keeps users hooked, endlessly swiping in search of the next best thing, which ultimately undermines genuine connection and commitment. The illusion of infinite choice can lead to decision paralysis and dissatisfaction, as the pursuit of perfection becomes both an elusive and never-ending quest.
Dating apps are a prime example of American psychology professor Richard Schechner’s performance theory, which suggests people perform and act based on the people around them, the audience, without truly displaying their unique identity. Users often feel compelled to present an idealised version of themselves, leading to anxiety and self-esteem issues when their real-life interactions don’t measure up to their online personas. A process which is often mentally exhausting and does not demonstrate one’s true self to a potential love interest. This discrepancy between online and offline selves can hinder authentic connections and contribute to the loneliness and alienation that dating apps ostensibly aim to alleviate.
I think as a single man in his 20s, using dating apps has felt more like a chore rather than an enjoyable or likeable experience. The commodification of relationships, addiction-inducing design, algorithmic curation, and the pressure to present a perfect self all contribute to a shallow and often dehumanizing experience, presenting a dystopian system which takes advantage of humanity’s desire for connection. While I don’t think dating apps are going away anytime soon, and will likely increase in popularity as the means for finding a romantic partner, I think it’s important people are aware of their shortcomings, the effect of dating apps on their mental health and how we can continue to form meaningful and human connection no matter what your dating goals are.
